E69 - Hope’s Harbor Gritty Bible Devotions - Why Angry? 2 of 2
Hope’s Harbor
Gritty Bible Devotions
Episode #69
Title: Why angry? How to reduce it. 2 of 2
Date: August 29, 2022
Contact: info@hopesharbor.net
Key verse(s): 1 Samuel 25:33 – “And blessed is your advice and blessed are you, because you have kept me this day from coming to bloodshed and from avenging myself with my own hand.”
Intro: To reduce anger it takes intercession, either that of someone actually interceding as Abigail did with David in the key verse of 1 Samuel 25:33, or having a thought come to mind reminding us the course of action we are about to take is wrong.
As for an interceding thought, where does one of those come from? First, let’s look at what happened when David set out to kill every male in Abigail’s household and then look at how to plant thoughts to help us when anger is upon us. This is when we go after it.
Devotion focus: Reduce toxic anger
Have you ever been so angry you said or did something you regretted later, after cooling off? If so you know how bad it can feel. But anger has that kind of power if we don’t control it. And listen, I know how hard it is to control deep-seated anger.
Let’s see if the story involving Abigail’s intervention can help us see how to prevent someone from even having to stand up to us when we’re about to explode. We’ll see if we can draw conclusions to apply to our lives.
So how did a good woman save David from irreversible damage before he was king when his rage was set on murder?
The background for this event is the years David was on the run from King Saul who was intent on killing David. Men had gathered to David, men who were also outcasts, and they supplied themselves by serving landowners by protecting their herds from raiders.
After one such season when the sheep were being sheared and their wool sold, David sent men to a wealthy man named Nabal, asking for compensation in return for serving him by protecting his wealth. Nabal refused.
1 Samuel 25:9 – ‘So when David's young men came, they spoke to Nabal according to all these words in the name of David, and waited.
1 Samuel 25:10 – ‘Then Nabal answered David's servants, and said, "Who is David, and who is the son of Jesse? There are many servants nowadays who break away each one from his master.
1 Samuel 25:11 – ‘Shall I then take my bread and my water and the meat that I have killed for my shearers, and give it to men when I do not know where they are from?"
1 Samuel 25:12 – ‘So David's young men turned on their heels and went back, and they came and told him all these words.
1 Samuel 25:13 – ‘Then David said to his men, "Every man gird on his sword." So every man girded on his sword, and David also girded on his sword. And about four hundred men went with David, and two hundred stayed with the supplies.’
So David intends to end Nabal’s life and everything he has. But then… Nabal’s wife, Abigail, hears from a servant David is coming. The servant tells her what is about to befall Nabal. Abigail takes action, the actions of a good woman.
1 Samuel 25:20 – ‘So it was, as she rode on the donkey, that she went down under cover of the hill; and there were David and his men, coming down toward her, and she met them.
1 Samuel 25:21 – ‘Now David had said, "Surely in vain I have protected all that this fellow has in the wilderness so that nothing was missed of all that belongs to him. And he has repaid me evil for good.
1 Samuel 25:22 – ‘May God do so, and more also, to the enemies of David, if I leave one male of all who belong to him by morning light."
1 Samuel 25:26 – ‘Now, therefore, my lord, as the LORD lives and as your soul lives, since the LORD has held you back from coming to bloodshed and from avenging yourself with your own hand, now then, let your enemies and those who seek harm for my lord be as Nabal.
1 Samuel 25:30 – ‘And it shall come to pass when the LORD has done for my lord according to all the good that He has spoken concerning you, and has appointed you ruler over Israel,
1 Samuel 25:31 – ‘that this will be no grief to you, nor offense of heart to my lord, either that you have shed blood without cause, or that my lord has avenged himself. But when the LORD has dealt well with my lord, then remember your maidservant."’
Abigail kept David from committing murder in his anger against her husband.
Now, before Abigail has to intervene, what could David have done to keep his anger in check?
Of course, David didn’t have access to the psychology of today, but still, he could have applied some of these things that we now know help keep anger from exploding. These are from MayoClinic.org – the link is in the show notes.
I’ll read the headings and if you want to read the suggested applications go to https://wwwHopesHarbor.net or
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/anger-management/art-20045434
Anger management: 10 tips to tame your temper
Keeping your temper in check can be challenging. Use simple anger management tips — from taking a timeout to using "I" statements — to stay in control.
Do you fume when someone cuts you off in traffic? Does your blood pressure rocket when your child refuses to cooperate? Anger is a common and even healthy emotion. But it's important to deal with it in a positive way. Uncontrolled anger can take a toll on both your health and your relationships.
Ready to get your anger under control? Start by considering these 10 anger management tips.
1. Think before you speak
In the heat of the moment, it's easy to say something you'll later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything. Also, allow others involved in the situation to do the same. (For David: once David told his men to saddle up it was too late for his ego to back down.)
2. Once you're calm, express your concerns
As soon as you're thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive but non-confrontational way. State your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them. (For David: If David had discussed the issue with Nabal with just one or two trusted men in his company he may have stayed in camp.)
3. Get some exercise
Physical activity can help reduce stress that can cause you to become angry. If you feel your anger escalating, go for a brisk walk or run. Or spend some time doing other enjoyable physical activities. (For David: take his sword and whack a stump or something – also, he was a musician.)
4. Take a timeout
Timeouts aren't just for kids. Give yourself short breaks during times of the day that tend to be stressful. A few moments of quiet time might help you feel better prepared to handle what's ahead without getting irritated or angry. (For David: Walking it off. He lived in desolate areas, with plenty of places to take in the scenery.)
5. Identify possible solutions
Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on resolving the issue at hand. Does your child's messy room make you upset? Close the door. Is your partner late for dinner every night? Schedule meals later in the evening. Or agree to eat on your own a few times a week. Also, understand that some things are simply out of your control. Try to be realistic about what you can and cannot change. Remind yourself that anger won't fix anything and might only make it worse. (For David: consider going himself and appeal to Nabal, but David’s pride most likely prevented this.)
6. Stick with 'I' statements
Criticizing or placing blame might only increase tension. Instead, use "I" statements to describe the problem. Be respectful and specific. For example, say, "I'm upset that you left the table without offering to help with the dishes" instead of "You never do any housework." (For David: use your imagination.)
7. Don't hold a grudge
Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. Forgiving someone who angered you might help you both learn from the situation and strengthen your relationship. (For David: grudge-filled thinking will inevitably lead to vengeful acts. Forgiving Nabal may have made the man an ally after David became king.)
8. Use humor to release tension
Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Use humor to help you face what's making you angry and, possibly, any unrealistic expectations you have for how things should go. Avoid sarcasm, though — it can hurt feelings and make things worse. (For David: not sure what kind of humor passed around camp in those days. Maybe make up a song about Nabal’s hairstyle, “There goes Nabal, bald as a cue ball.” I’m bald so I can say this.)
9. Practice relaxation skills
When your temper flares, put relaxation skills to work. Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase, such as "Take it easy." You might also listen to music, write in a journal or do a few yoga poses — whatever it takes to encourage relaxation. (For David: again, David was a renowned musician. He used it to soothe King Saul before he fell out of favor. Surely music would have helped.)
10. Know when to seek help
Learning to control anger can be a challenge at times. Seek help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret, or hurts those around you. (For David: there is safety in numbers when it comes to wise counselors. They could’ve played mental chess with the circumstances involving Nabal. ‘If I move against him, the next move will be…’)
Not only will these suggestions help any one of us living with anger, but they would also have benefited David as king if he had applied them.
Now, some levels of anger are so deep that just wanting to not be angry isn’t going to work. I have deep-seated anger from the way I was treated as a child. It’s so deep it is taking additional counseling to reach my subconscious mind to alleviate that anger, often manifesting itself in my life as constant frustration and/or irritation.
This too is damaging to relationships, always being irritated. It makes people dislike and even dread being around us. It was the leading cause my first marriage failed after 30 years.
And even if the reasons for your anger are understandable, taking out your anger on those around you, especially family, makes life hell on earth for them.
So what can you do about being so angry? Take an online assessment to get an idea of the kind of anger you’re dealing with. Here is a list of 10 common tests I’m not going to read through – they’re in the show notes;
Buss-Durkee Hostility Inventory. ...
Buss-Perry Aggression Questionnaire. ...
Anger Self-Report Questionnaire. ...
The Reaction Inventory. ...
Novaco Anger Scale and Provocation Inventory. ...
Multidimensional Anger Inventory. ...
State-Trait Anger Expression Inventory – 2nd Edition. ...
The Clinical Anger Scale.
For further information also visit these Christian sites:
https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/anger-assessment
The following articles are found on the Mayo Clinic’s website:
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/anger-management/art-20045434
Finally, explosive anger is extremely damaging to children whose minds and emotions are so tender and fragile. You will cause lasting harm to them by losing your temper, and I’m not talking about a once-in-a-lifetime thing where you lose it, but ongoing outbursts of anger, or loss of temper, call it what you will.
If you will take action now, it will save you untold heartache later.
A final word about anger: For some reason, there is a stigma among Christians attached to having anger. I don’t know why this is. So many times when a Christian is told they have a problem with anger, what do you think? That’s right, they get angry.
Listen, if someone cares enough about you to confront you about your temper, find out more about it before you blow up on them. I’ve lost 3 friendships because of telling someone the truth about their anger. Each time I told them I recognize it because I deal with it too. One of these guys even asked me if I thought he had issues with anger because an employer confronted him about it. No matter, when I told him the truth, he got mad and it ended our friendship.
Summary: Anger is rarely justified and even if it is we must react with restraint. There is no way to ‘un-ring the bell’ when we react with harsh, even violent behavior or words, even when the anger is justified.
Unjustified anger on our part is toxic. It harms us… it harms our loved ones.
Most anger is a reaction affecting us deep down, touching a wound, triggering us because of something from our past. It is our duty as Christians to rid ourselves of toxic anger and this may very well include professional counseling.
Action to consider: Read through the articles listed on the websites I named. You will find them in the show notes at HopesHarbor.net
Then go and do the work necessary to reduce and eventually rid you of unhealthy anger.
Next week’s devotion: Forgiveness – what does it cost?